Barb's Ditties

Copyright © 1997 Barbara Smith

The Fox

A fox came into my garden
and ate my bloody hen
I'll kill the little buggar
if he comes in here again !

The Croccodile

The croccodile went shopping
he wasn't very happy
Give me half a dozen eggs
and make it bloody snappy.
Don't talk to me like that
the shop assistant said
Snap went the croccodile
and bit off her bloody head.

Barking Dog

There's nothing better than a barking dog
to send you round the twist
It makes you want to get the dog
and punch it with your fist
Constant manic yapping
from a barmy neurotic dog
makes you want to get said hound
and beat it with a log.

The Goldfish and the Spider

The Goldfish and the spider got married in a hurry
and halfway through the nuptials the goldfish began to worry
I can't breath she gasped and panted in obvious distress
I'm not surprised snapped the spider, take off that stupid dress

They managed to complete the marriage vows and she plopped straight into the tank,
the spider was right behind her but immediately sank
This marriage is doomed the goldfish wailed you will die if you stay in here
but the spider was fighting for his life and could not really hear

The goldfish tried to save her man but unfortunately she could not get him
Eventually she just got bored and having given up, she ate him.

Ryde

I went to Ryde on the Isle of Wight
Only to find it was closed for the night
Could this be a one-horse-town
The lights were out and the shutters were down

The Election

Calling all conservatives, you selfish, greedy lot
You're no longer the Government, Johnny Major's gone to pot
At last some hope for the future with Mr Tony Blair
He's honest and he's caring but best of all he's fair.

No more creating taxes that benefit well off tories
no more cash for questions or sleaze or far fetched stories
no more telling lies saying we can't catch BSE
no more feeling that being poor makes you the enemy.

I'd Like To Win The Lottery 1

I'd like to win the lottery
to have lots and lots of dosh
I'd like to buy some pottery
so I could be dead posh !

I'd Like To Win The Lottery 2

I'd like to win the lottery I don't believe what others say
that money makes you greedy and spoils you in every way
that your life will never be the same, you begin to lose your grip
I don't think that's such a shame, go and get me a Lucky Dip !

Will I Ever Win the Lottery

Never to win the lottery, I know exactly how that feels
not one single win for me
not the price of a Chippie meal
To say that I'm unlucky would understate the case
I should keep all my money
But I'll do the pools in case